V-day nostalgia: relationships past and present

02.03.08
As Valentine’s Day rolls around, I find myself not thinking so much of my current relationships, but the ones I’ve left behind. Not just the romantic relationships, but the friendships too. Though February 14 makes me think of my future with my boyfriend, I always remember the people in my past.
There was Andrew (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent), the on and off for two years athlete who thought he was going to be a famous baseball player despite the fact that he couldn’t pitch and had a horrible batting average. There was also Brian, the brief but memorable Abercrombie model lookalike who couldn’t pass a window without grooming himself. And there was John, the guy my mom babysat when he was little- my first love. The list wouldn’t be complete without naming my best guy friend, Kevin, who was in love with me for our entire seven year friendship. I don’t speak to any of them anymore and haven’t for quite some time. I just don’t see my exes anymore, though I’m friendly with John. As for Kevin, we had a falling out that has kept us from being even remotely polite to each other for over eighteen months.
I wonder if they think of me, if they miss me, if they wish things had gone differently between us--because I do think of them, and I miss pieces of all of them. I miss laughing about how Andrew hid his poetry from his jock friends but still showed it to me, and I miss Brian’s perfectly chiseled physique (there wasn‘t much else about him I liked). I miss the way John remembered that my favorite painting was Van Gogh‘s Sunflowers. I miss the way I trusted Kevin most of all. I miss the history we had. I miss the music he used to burn me- songs that reminded him of me- and I miss seeing his latest paintings. I miss how he changed me for the better in so many ways, not the least of which was instilling a love of country music in me.
Despite missing all of this in all of them, I realize that these people are in my past whether I want them to be or not. I can’t change what happened years ago even if I wanted to- and it’s useless to regret the person I was when I knew and loved those people. I couldn’t have been anyone else other than who I was at those exact moments in time.
As I make reservations at the Melting Pot, the V-day tradition Dominic and I have, I have fleeting thoughts of the futures I’d planned out with these other guys. Then I look at Dom and see all the things I miss in my exes still in him, standing right in front of me. And the feeling that I am incredibly lucky washes over me again. As hard as it is to accept relationships past, I realize those relationships got me to where I am today-- and perhaps into the relationship I’m in today-- despite moments of being caught up in old memories.